m/m Deano's Winter: A Muscle University Story

[muscleaddict]

Six

And just like that, it feels like I’m right back where I was in the summer, the last four and a half months having never happened. Feeling like I want the world to fuck off because the first guy who actually liked me back, the guy who spent weeks texting me, hanging out with me, kissing me and holding my hand in his car has decided that he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

I’d almost forgotten what Ryan North looks like. I haven't checked his Instagram profile for months. I unfollowed him shortly after the last time I saw him. There was no deliberating over it. It just felt like the obvious thing to do. 

And now here he is. Still six-foot-tall and built like a brick shithouse. The same huge, thick arms straining around the sleeves of his “RYAN NORTH PERSONAL TRAINING'' branded t-shirt. Casually talking to my brother and my dad like nothing ever happened between us. 

I’m praying that he doesn’t look over to the car. That he doesn’t see me sitting here in the front seat of my dad’s Land Rover. I don’t know what I’ll do if he does. I don’t know what will happen if he glances in this direction.

But he doesn't look over. And I can see my dad pulling away. And before I know it, he and Josh are coming back to the car and Ryan is heading back inside the gym. And now he’s gone. Just as quickly as he came back into my life, Ryan North has gone. 

I don’t dare make eye contact with dad or Josh when they get back in the car. I just keep looking forward and out of the front window.

“We’ve just been chatting to your old bezzie mate, D!” Josh says cheerfully.

“Shut the fuck up, Josh,” dad says, calmly. He doesn’t look at me. Even when we’re back home and getting out of the car he doesn’t make eye contact with me. 

When we get back home I go straight to my room and crash on my bed. The image of Ryan North standing at the entrance of the gym in his tight blue t-shirt embedded in my mind.

Why the fuck did that have to happen? Why did my dad have to stop at the gym? Why did Ryan have to be there? I hate how one little incident has had this massive effect on my mood. How just seeing him again for such a short time makes me feel like THIS. 

I roll over on my side and close my eyes. I feel like just going to sleep. To try and forget about what just happened. But I can’t sleep. And I can’t forget. And I can’t stop thinking about Ryan North.

When I’ve lain here with my head on the pillow for what seems like forever, I suddenly decide that I can’t do it a minute longer or I think I’ll go fucking crazy.

I check my phone. Two hours before I have to meet Harry the Bouncer. I leap off my mattress and head downstairs. No one’s around. I pour a glass of coke and head back to my room, fire up some music on my laptop and reach for the litre bottle of vodka my mum bought me for Christmas.

I pour the vodka into my glass, look at the bottle and then - fuck it - I close my eyes and put the bottle to my lips. I haven’t drunk like this for ages. Not since the summer. It’s like revisiting a place you thought you’d never go to again. A place that brings back all these awful memories. And all the time I’m drinking, I’m picturing him. Standing at the entrance of Deano’s Gym. 

I try and sneak out of the house because I’m worried my dad will be able to tell I’m a bit drunk, but just as my hand reaches the door handle, I hear a loud “Oi!” behind me.

For FUCK’S sake.

“Don’t bloody say bye then!” he says, coming towards me.

“Bye!” I say sarcastically, before turning around again.

“Oi!”

Argh! I turn back around. My dad’s got this look on his face. Slightly suspicious. Concerned. Like he knows. That I’ve been drinking. That I’m going to meet a guy. That, however, well I’ve been doing for the past few months disintegrated into nothing when I saw Ryan North fucking PT standing outside the gym not four hours earlier.

“Watch what you’re doing!” he says, still giving me that look. I pull a face, spin around and rush out the door.

This time, Harry’s the one waiting for me. He’s wearing his black leather jacket again. A little smirk on his face.

“All right?” he says to me.

“All right!” I say, with a little nod. 

Something flickers in his expression. Maybe he’s noticed I’ve been drinking. Or maybe he’s noticed that something’s not quite right with me. He definitely doesn’t seem as relaxed as he did the other night. 

He takes me to the pub he works at. The one Tony got chucked out of on the night we met. When we’re standing at the bar, Harry puts his hand on my back and gives it a little rub. The pretty boy barman looks from Harry to me, looking confused. Like he’s judging us. Maybe he’s wondering what someone like me is doing with Harry. Which pisses me off.  

We sit down on a sofa at the back of the pub. It’s pretty dead, but there’s a group of girls not far away. “Mmmm!” Harry says, wrapping his arm around my thigh. 

I take a sip of my drink. It’s not that I don’t want Harry touching me. It feels kind of comforting. I don’t know. It just … feels like it’s a bit much.

“You look so fucking sexy!” he says leaning into me.

I don’t say anything. I just bury my head into my glass. Harry asks me about my Christmas, and I tell him about the matching jumpers mum bought for me and my dad, which Harry loves. I show him the picture my mum took. Harry loves that too. And things feel slightly less awkward and more relaxed. 

Harry goes to the toilet. And now I’m sitting here alone. And I feel this familiar pull in my stomach as my mind starts to drift to what happened earlier today. And once again, I’m picturing Ryan North standing at the entrance of Deano’s Gym talking to my dad and Josh. And this awful sadness washes through me. 

I down my drink. I can’t seem to stop. When Harry comes back, he’s smirking at me. And he’s giving me this look. Which I can’t quite work out. “You okay?” he asks me, his mouth still curled into a little smirk.

The question throws me a little. I just nod in response.

“You sure?” he asks.

I pull a face like nothing’s wrong. Even though Harry can clearly sense that there is.

“Come on,” Harry says, shifting on the sofa and nodding towards the door. I look at him confused.

“We’re going somewhere a bit more exciting.”

That place is the bar next door I’ve walked past a dozen times. It’s loud and packed and people are looking. There’s some kind of act by the window with a microphone getting everyone’s attention.

Almost straight away, I get this feeling like I don’t wanna be here. And that feeling only intensifies when we get our drinks and join the crowd of people facing the drag queen who apparently was on some famous TV show I’ve vaguely heard of.

Harry, who is standing behind me, is watching the act with this big smile on his face. I feel disconnected from him. From all of this. Maybe I just need to relax. Maybe I need to get more pissed. 

Harry wraps his arms around my waist. I cling on on to him, staring out of the window, where I can see the pier. Where me and Ryan North went that day in the summer.

And now I’m thinking about Ryan again. For some reason, I’m thinking about a time when we were both on his sofa and he had his arms wrapped around me. This crushing sadness goes through me. And suddenly, in this packed noisy bar surrounded by laughing, happy people, while a guy (a really fucking nice guy) holds me and squeezes me from behind, I feel like I actually might fucking cry.

I wriggle out of Harry’s grip and tell him I’ll be back in a bit. But just before I go, he gives me this concerned look. Like he knows that something isn’t right.

I escape to the toilets, ignoring all the eyes on me on the way there. I’m really not phased by the attention tonight. Nor am I in the mood for it. I go into one of the cubicles and get my phone out. I don’t really know why I’m doing this. But I can’t seem to stop myself.

I open up Instagram and type in a name I haven’t typed in for four and a half months. Ryan North PT.

As soon as his profile comes up, I regret looking. Because the first picture on his feed is of him and his girlfriend, Katie, and Ryan’s holding up a little blue baby all-in-one which says “DADDY’S LITTLE LIFTER”. 

So they’re having a boy. Ryan’s going to have a son. A son he’ll no doubt fuck up when he leaves both he and his mum for another guy. Which I just kinda know will happen. At some point, Ryan will meet another guy. And he’ll want to be with him. And that guy won’t be me. 

That guy was never going to be me.

I scroll through Ryan’s profile. Even though it makes me feel like shit. Even though it makes me feel like this. I know I shouldn't be doing this. It’s like a car crash I can’t look away from. I’m scrolling and scrolling and then I see it. The picture he posted last summer when we were hanging out and getting to know each other. I look at the caption to accompany it, and there it is. 

Fun fact: My favourite film as a kid was The Goonies. I also do a mad Sloth impression. Just ask @deano_pocket_rocket (tongue out winking face emoji). #HeyYouGuys #SecretNerd

He hasn’t deleted it. I can’t believe he hasn’t deleted it.

I put my phone away and go straight to the bar. I order two shots of vodka. The barman looks kinda freaked out. Even a little scared. If he fancied me, this has probably put him off. I down the vodka shots and turn around to head back to Harry.

But there’s someone else suddenly standing in front of me. Towering over me with his impressive height is the good looking guy with the neck tattoo from the night I had my first date with Harry.

“All right?” he says, giving me this look.

I say all right back, take a step closer to him, and before I know it, I’m kissing him. I’m kissing Mr Handsome Neck Tattoo for everyone to see. Everyone including the guy I came with. The guy who's been sending me funny, awesome text messages the past week. The guy who was not long before standing with his arms wrapped tightly around me. The guy I can actually feel myself liking back. 

A voice in my head cries, “What the FUCK are you doing?”

I part lips with Mr Handsome Neck Tattoo. My arms around his waist. He’s fit. But there’s nothing really there. It wasn’t like kissing Harry. And it definitely wasn't like kissing Ryan North.

Nothing is like kissing Ryan North.

I look past Mr Handsome Neck Tattoo and my insides twist sharply. Because Harry is looking right at us. And God - he looks fucking gutted. I thought he’d be angry. But he doesn’t look angry. He just looks upset. And I did that to him. That was me.

“Wanna get a drink?” Mr Handsome Neck Tattoo asks.

I nod and walk towards the bar. (What the FUCK are you doing?) I know this is bad. This is really bad. I’m acting like a complete twat. And I don’t even know why I’m doing it. Because I don’t care about this guy with the neck tattoo. I don’t even like him that much. But I like Harry the Bouncer. I can feel myself starting to like him.

I look back at the spot where Harry was standing and I suddenly feel a sharp panic. Because he’s no longer there. Harry the Bouncer has gone. And I know I’ve fucked it up. A guy really liked me and I felt myself starting to like him back. And I’ve fucked it up. 

My phone buzzes in my pocket.

Harry (TEXT ME)

Have a good night.

Fuck. Further panic rises up in my chest as I look at the text message Harry just sent me. Everything in me tells me to run after him. To catch up with him. But I can’t. I just can’t. 

“Back in a bit!” I say to Mr Handsome Neck Tattoo. 

Without looking back, I head straight to the door of the bar. The cold air hits me sharply as I open it. The noise from the pub crowd suddenly quieter. 

I get my phone out of my pocket, switch it off and without looking back, I head in the direction of home, not wanting to do anything other than to put an end to this disastrous fucking day.

[DStal]

That hit hard.

[mario2007]

You want to like Deano, but then....

[crushme99]

Oh wow.  Just... wow.  That whole chapter is one painful ache.

[DennisFLL]

1 hour ago, crushme99 said:

Oh wow.  Just... wow.  That whole chapter is one painful ache.

I agree!  And so well written with so much heart.  MuscleAddict is nearing the end of this 'novella' and I sure hope it ends on a happier note for our muscle guy.  You hear me MA?!  

[crushme99]

59 minutes ago, DennisFLL said:

MuscleAddict is nearing the end of this 'novella'

Noooooooo.   

[muscleaddict]

Thanks, guys. This chapter was a bit of a tough one to write. Deano's obviously going through something and dealing with some big emotions and I obviously wanted that to come through in the writing. 

2 hours ago, DennisFLL said:

I agree!  And so well written with so much heart.  MuscleAddict is nearing the end of this 'novella' and I sure hope it ends on a happier note for our muscle guy.  You hear me MA?!  

Hmmm. I can't make any promises, mate! 

1 hour ago, crushme99 said:

Noooooooo.   

Yep. Only 2 chapters left to go!

[muscleaddict]

4 hours ago, DStal said:

That hit hard.

I'm sure Deano wouldn't mind you comforting him! 

[Ro20316]

Deano was hurting and in return he wanted to hurt someone back. His old self came out here that childish kid that doesnt know how to handle how he is feeling.

Henry doesnt need this kind of drama around him. He asked countless of times what was wrong and Deano didnt say a thing. He is a grown man and he just want someone that makes him feel good and Deano is not ready for that yet.

[Mdlftr]

How did I miss this until now?  

It feels like coming home - the interior monologue, the terse words, the tongue poking and cheek biting to hide a smirk -- it's all there!

Deano's back in the emotional soup after only a few days of being back in Brighton for Christmas.  He should visit his female friend instead.

Oh, and about Ryan North, and his Dad leaving him in the car, and all that - BOTH of his parents know what's going on.  They're each supportive in their own way, but Deano has to deal with it.

Harry is getting the shaft, but it's not really about Harry, is it? As much as he seems like a nice guy, and he turns Deano's crank, he's just a ship passing in the night.

After the last drama free semester at school, Deano is making up for it in spades!

Great writing, as always!  Understated, minimal dialog, but oh, so MUCH detail!

Thank you for this!